i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
