you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
