she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
