I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize