theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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