let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
