i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
