I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
