walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My feet surprised me
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