I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
