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dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
