Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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