Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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