I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
