Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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