accomplished twins. life is a go
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Text me some of your sweat
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
