2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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