Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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