as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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