is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
They are going to name an STD after you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
