dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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