clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
