Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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