Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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