sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
