My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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