Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
