Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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