I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
