just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
