just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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