Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Randomize
