I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
