if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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