we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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