I wanna bring you to show and tell
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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