I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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