Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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