I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
