You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Damn victory sex feels great
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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