Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
