So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
