Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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