In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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