i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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