a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
