Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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