Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
