The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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