i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
