your thong is hanging out like whoa
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
