I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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