I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
