dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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