I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
