did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
