Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
